Me and White Supremacy - Day 20: Being Called Out/Called in
- Amy Compare
- Aug 13, 2020
- 7 min read
Resources:
This section of the book came up at the right time, as I had been planning on writing a post about calling in and calling out this week or next week. While I have been discussing with friends how to call out/call in, this section did a nice job of describing how to respond to being called out/in. Both will be discussed below.
Both calling in and calling out are “methods of calling attention to problematic, harmful, or oppressive behaviors with the ultimate goal of changing behavior and making amends.” While calling out is done in the moment to stop harm and tell someone that something wasn’t acceptable, calling in is done with the intent of understanding where someone is coming from, explore deeper, make connections, and find a sense of mutual understanding across differences. While calling out is often reactive, calling in is reflective. Choosing when to call out and when to call in can be nuanced and complicated, depending on factors like power dynamics, tone policing, the respectability often expected from BIPOC, the relationship between the person calling in/out and the person being called in/out, the level of emotional labor involved for BIPOC, the toxicity that can come with call-out cultures vs call outs sometimes being the best/only approach, and optical allyship being employed.
Being Called Out/In
Being called in/out can feel like an attack on the individual and collective identity of whiteness, and often it does not feel good, sometimes triggering a flight or fight reaction within our bodies. However, it is important to recognize your own emotions when being called in or out, and recognize that regardless of our intention, it is our impact that matters and to focus on your impact. Although you may be afraid of doing the wrong thing and being called out/in for it, this can quickly turn anti-racism work into perfectionism, which leads to white fragility, tone policing, white silence, white exceptionalism, white apathy, tokenism, and/or optical allyship. Being called in/out is not a deterrent to the work, but part of the work, and so it is important to approach these situations with an open heart and mind.
Practicing Calling Out/In
Knowing when to call in or out depends on a lot of factors, like mentioned above, and this next section will mostly focus on how to call people in. Calling out is effective when harm is actively happening to someone (due to another person’s actions), although it is still worth asking yourself why you are calling out and why it would be better than calling in. Calling in, which is best done when the intention of the person being called in was not one of harm, is a method that recognizes that we can all make mistakes and that we have the potential to be better. While calling out happens the moment that something harmful has been done/said, calling in can happen either right after or in a later conversation. The benefit of calling in is the ability to plan for and be intentional with your conversation. Before engaging in a conversation to call in, it is important to know you why - Why is this person important to you? Why is it important to have this conversation? What is the end goal of the conversation? It is although worth asking if you are the right person to call this person in, or if there might be someone who could have a more productive conversation with this person. It is also important to consider any obstacles that might arise during the conversation and prepare for those.
Here are some things to consider and practice when calling in:
Focus on the behavior (be specific about it as possible)
Focus on the action and impact rather than assumptions about the intent or motivation
Start by sharing your fears or apprehensions you have about the conversation, followed by your hopes for the conversation and why you care enough to have the conversation, followed by feedback about the specific behavior
Do not attack the person
Do not interrupt the other person (and make it clear that you do not want to be interrupted either)
Offer space for clarification, questions, active listening, and support
Invite them to engage and inquire about their why (understand why they acted how they acted and how they want to act)
Make sure you let the other person know you understand where they’re coming from
Embrace the clunkiness
Describe concerns and things you’d like to happen differently; be as clear as possible and use specific examples
Make sure you understand what the other person said before you respond - paraphrase what they said and your understanding of it and make sure that is what the other person meant
Approach the problem with openness and not wanting to be right
Stay on topic
“I” statements when talking about your emotions (ie, I feel… vs. you make me mad
Drop your assumptions
Accept responsibility for your actions
Some practical tips/logistics for having calling in conversations
Have the conversation in person
Stay at the same physical level (standing or sitting)
Speak directly to the other person
Speak calmly
Avoid finger pointing/blaming
Be brief and stay on topic
Be specific
Label your feelings
Reflection: How will you react when you are called in/out? What are your biggest fears of being called in/out? What behaviors and beliefs most get in your way of being able to respond appropriately to being called out/in?
I have spent a lot of my life chasing perfection, and until relatively recently have made every effort to put in the work behind the scenes to make sure that I look competent to people (this is a phenomena in general and not just anti-racism work). While I still want to be seen as competent, I also recognize that learning in front of people is valuable. It has been a good practice for me to be able to make mistakes and reflect on them with others and work on my learning and growth collaboratively in community. I think my reaction to being called in or out really depends on the relationship I have with whoever calls me in/out. When I am being called in/out by people who I have built a strong relationship with, and who I trust, I feel much less attacked and more receptive to growing. I know that the biggest behavior that gets in my way of responding appropriately to being called in/out is tone policing. In general, I feel nervous (I think that’s the closest emotion) when people talk to me in tones associated with calling out. I have recognized that this is how I respond to situations like this and that it is a problem. Right now, I am in a stage where I can recognize and label my emotions in a calling out situation and question them in the moment. I think what I really need to start doing are breathing exercises in those situations to control my heart rate and managing those emotions to be able to fully listen and learn. I would say my biggest fears in being called out/in are the feelings of shame that come with that. I feel pretty confident that I will not do/say things that harm others intentionally, and I need to give myself that credit when I mess up, and shift my mindset to gratitude for other people who are willing to stand up and speak in a way that helps me be more aware and grow.
What are tangible steps you can work on to improve your ability to call in/call out?
Just the other day, I had an opportunity to call someone in, and did not recognize it as an opportunity until a few hours later. While I have so much to work on in developing my skills around calling in/out, I know that it is progress that I can recognize a situation where I should call in, and by doing so, I was able to reflect on what I could have in order to improve the way I call in in the future.
Calling out is much easier for me than calling in, which is something that I need to work on. For me, it is so much easier to call in children than adults, because I know that students are likely to not cause harm on purpose (or if they do it is often easier to find the root cause of why they are). I also feel biased against adults because I feel like they should not have an excuse for their lack of awareness or lack of humanity. I have recently recognized this bias and realized that I need to approach calling out adults like I do with children (not treating them like children, but approaching these conversations with an open mind and separating their behaviors from who they are as people). I recently read Educated by Tara Westover (it’s an incredible memoir, and would highly recommend it) which really shifted my perspective on not assuming peoples’ intentions/experiences before writing them off
Right now, I need to work on managing my emotions in a situation that requires calling in/out, which I think means recognizing, labeling, and vocalizing my emotions. It also means in situations of calling in to say a mantra in my head to keep myself on track (probably “understand first” or “listen to understand” or “question with curiosity”) to effectively engage in conversation rather than being reactive and impulsive in what I say. While I am not interacting a ton with people these days, I think one thing I can do is practice what I would say in my head to posts I see on social media (even these make me heated and cloud my ability to think clearly) as if someone were saying them to me in person. I need to use those experiences as opportunities to practice these skills, so I will commit to practicing a response to at least one racist comment/post a day (or even one that just goes against my perspectives).
I think this also brings up the point of calling in/out on social media. Right now, I feel like arguing with people on social media largely serves to reinforce peoples’ perspectives rather than opening them up to new ones (although I think I can do this in a less aggressive way through these blog posts). Perhaps that will change, but right now I feel like my energy for this work is better served elsewhere (in my own learning and my impact on systemic racism in other aspects of my life).
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