Me and White Supremacy - Day 21: Week 3 Reflection

What have you learned about yourself and your unique, personal brand of white supremacy? What are you beginning to see as your biggest challenge when it comes to your personal antiracism work? Where are you starting to do your work, and where are you still holding back?

I have realized that the way I uphold white supremacy is largely through ignorance of what white supremacy looks like and the forms it takes in my life. The more I learn, the more I am seeing it, and I think this awareness that there is much that I do not know and that I cannot see right now makes it easier for me to dive into learning more. I have overcome white apathy in the past few years, although I worry about falling into it again. I have been on a roll for the past few months with a slow and consistent practice in learning and reflection, and I need to make sure that I have the systems in place in my own practice to ensure the sustainability and momentum in this work. I think it’s easier for me to be motivated when I am teaching students or working with other people.

I think my biggest challenge right now is learning how to manage my emotions when speaking about race with other people, especially those who do not take on my perspective or who are misinformed. Recently, I have let anger and frustration get in the way of having productive conversations, and I need to work on moving past those emotions to have genuine conversations around race. One thing I have recently been thinking about is the idea that “people make sense” (that people do things/act in certain ways for a reason), and that denial of racism/sexism/etc probably comes from a place of fear. People who don’t believe racism exists are still people, and I can’t just extend my humanity to people who agree with me and see the world from my perspective. It’s hard though. I think I need to separate how I view people from how I view their behaviors, like I do with students. And I need to do a better job of actively listening to people and questioning people to understand their perspective before launching into attacking them and sharing my beliefs. In other words, there are many times when I have called out when really I should have been calling in.

I have been struggling with how to hold conversations with people who deny (systemic) racism exists. It’s hard being shut down in these conversations by people I love, and I think this is an added factor that makes returning to these conversations (and maintaining our relationships) even harder. I haven’t really had these conversations with anyone who denies racism outside of my family, and I wonder how much different it is to have these conversations with people with whom I do not have so deep and complicated a relationship with. I have largely been operating under the premise that you are either a good person for engaging in anti-racism work or you are a bad person who is not, but I think this sort of thinking ignores the nuanced natures and experiences of people. You never know why people may be showing racist behaviors, and seeking to understand first is important - they may not be due to conscious choice but ignorance or subconscious beliefs held unknowingly. I’ve been realizing that people can be two (or more) things that seem to contradict each other at the same time, and I have been pushed to think beyond the binary.

I have been doing a lot of work around my own unlearning/re-learning, which I think is a good start. I am also becoming a more conscious consumer and thinking about who I am supporting with my money. I am voting with a new sense of perspective and obligation. I am having conversations with people who are also doing this work. I am thinking about how to address systemic issues in whatever job I am in next (hopefully in a position to impact programs). I am holding back in actively seeking ways to discuss anti-racism work with the people I interact with (pretty much just my family because of the pandemic and not working) because of how uncomfortable it is to hold these conversations and to not have the ability to distance myself physically when I am emotionally drained and need to recharge (I have been engaging in them when they are brought up by others or if I hear something that needs to be called in/out).